Black Lives Matter

Black Lives Matter

Black Lives Matter

I felt compelled to write this article as the black founder of Hey Saturday. No, it’s not a bullshit corporate statement on the Black Lives Matter movement, but rather a personal response to this pivotal moment in history.

I have not long come back from a socially distant, peaceful demonstration for George Floyd and the wider Black Lives Matter movement outside the US Embassy in London. It’s the first time I’ve felt positive and purposeful in quite a few weeks.

The reason I’ve been struggling so much is something I haven’t been able to articulate as well as my matchmaking colleague and sister, Jasmine Diaz, did recently on her Facebook page.

“There is something about being black that when you see another black person, really anywhere in the world, that we feel connected to them; their pain, their struggle, and their success.

It’s like seeing a long-lost cousin. 

So when violence happens like what was done to George Floyd, Ahmaud Arbery, Breonna Taylor, Trayvon Martin, and so many others, it’s like a family member has been taken away from us.

The tears that flow from seeing their *potential* snuffed away is such a strong emotional feeling. It’s unspeakable. And when you keep seeing brother after brother, sister after sister, being killed for nothing… The psychological damage from watching that… It’s more than most can bear”.

Thank you, Jasmine, you’ve just summed up exactly what I’ve been feeling.

And to be honest, I don’t just feel that pain, when I see black people dying on the streets. It’s there every time I read about #Karens on Twitter calling the police on black people for simply existing near them (birding in Central Park, sitting on a park bench, waiting for a friend in Starbucks, heading into their own building, swimming in a public pool etc etc). It’s there every time I go into a space that feels like a white only space eg. visiting a nice restaurant or hotel, watching films or TV shows, attending board meetings, gigs, seminars etc etc. and I notice that white people are still the norm, black representation the exception.

We are living in a ghettoised world. If you don’t see it, it’s either because you’re choosing not to see it or you’ve just been conditioned not to think about it or see it. Wherever I go, one of the first things I do is check the space to see how many black people are there too. You can ask my boyfriend, I do it every time without fail. He now does it too. I’m pretty sure all black people do this – it’s a habit. Sometimes we may do it idly, just out of mild curiosity. Other times we do it to figure out how accepted we are going to be. And yet other times, we do it to figure out how ‘safe’ we are going to be. I imagine white people rarely think this way. It’s second nature to me.

White dominated board rooms, white dominated hotels and posh restaurants, museums, mainly white universities and private schools. It’s our normal.  When you do find black people in these ‘white spaces’, more often than not they’re working – as cleaners, bar staff, waiting staff etc. The disparity in our situations is caused by the interconnecting systems under which we live. Systems designed to keep black people down and lift up non-Black people. They start more or less from birth and carry right though to death. The education system, the health system, the policing system, the penal system, politics, the world of work.  Black people have been thinking about these things for a long time now. And without white allies, it’s very difficult to address these disparities and bring about change. We, on our own, don’t seem to have the power to enact any long-term systemic change without white allies helping us. The system makes sure of that.

I am in therapy and this is something I explore every week, trying to figure out what it is I’m seeing, why I feel bad about what I’m seeing. How my past has impacted my present. How I can move on.

This last week has been particularly traumatic and I don’t use that word lightly. Make no mistake, black people are traumatised right now. Watching George Floyd get murdered on screen by a police officer flanked by other police officers  – people who are paid to protect and serve the public – is traumatising. I am hurting and tired and traumatised. And I’m not alone. Every other black person feels it. I know they do. I see it on their faces, I hear it in their words and I can see it in their actions.

We’ve seen too many of these deaths on our screens. We’re forced into a situation where we have to record and release film footage of our people being murdered because it’s the only way to show the world (who keep turning a blind eye) the reality of what is going on. But while we’re trying to save ourselves, we’re also traumatising ourselves. Watching our people die. Slowly. Almost 9 minutes and no one steps in to help.

There are many reasons why I started Hey Saturday. But what drove me to start a business on my own was the desire for freedom to be myself, a desire to stop having to fit into spaces where I didn’t feel comfortable or had to repeatedly prove that I deserved to be there. That is tiring and gives your self-esteem a real bashing.

I’m of white British and Jamaican heritage and was born right at the tail end of the 60s. I spent much of my early years in the home counties during the 70s and 80s until I went to Manchester University at end of the 80s (great for music, not so much for black people). I’m now almost three years into my therapy. Much of what we focus on is the unpacking, unlearning and undoing of years of self-loathing, shame and self-doubt, a result of being brought up brown in a society that favours white skin at every level and doesn’t value black or brown lives.

Once we enter the education system, we all become racist. I’m including myself in this. I’m not anti-racist just because I was born brown or have a black dad. I have to consciously work at it too. I occasionally catch myself, even now, having thoughts that I recognise as coming from being fed a life-time of anti-black propaganda.  I was brought up under the same discriminatory system as you. I’ve had the same education as you. I’ve read the same newspapers, watched the same news channels. We’ve all been brought up under a system which favours white people. It starts as soon as we enter the school system, if not earlier, and continues throughout every stage of our life. But because I’m brown and because I’ve invested in therapy, I’ve had a head start at questioning my thoughts, challenging my beliefs and learning new ways of being.

Not only does it favour white people, our system tells us white people are good (look at what the white man has invented, created, won over the years), brown people are OK. Black people, however, are inherently not OK. It starts in the education system and is perpetuated by the media. Black people aren’t as smart as us. They are lazy. They tend to be criminals. They live in the poor neighbourhoods. They don’t get the good jobs therefore they tend to be poorer than us. While we’re being told that, our white-favouring systems ensure that this is exactly how it plays out for black people. And that is racism in action. Racism comes from living under a system of white supremacy. So while we may not be actively taking a racist stance, we are living under a racist system so we are benefitting immensely from it (or being held back by it, depending on our skin tone).

So, what I’m saying is, even though you may think you’re not racist, you actually are if you continue to deny that you benefit from a system that favours you or you just choose to ignore it. Being pleasant to the black people you meet and having black friends and/or relatives doesn’t give you automatic immunity to racism. This may be why black people roll their eyes when you use the excuse of having black friends as an example to demonstrate you’re not racist.

In fact, if you have black friends and/or family members, it’s even more critical you figure this shit out. If you don’t recognise and acknowledge the existing system of white supremacy that we live under, your behaviour and words will probably be (unintentionally) damaging to them. They may not say anything to you about it – we’re taught to keep our own anger under wraps more often than not, for many reasons but particularly because of the fear of being labelled ‘angry black woman’ or ‘scary black man’. And some people have buried their pain so deep, they don’t know it’s there. But trust me, if you don’t stop and consider what you’re saying, you may well be triggering us.

For example, if you insist that racism is getting better or that we live in a post-racial society, you’re triggering them. If you moan that your white friend didn’t get that job because the BBC was using affirmative action and only hiring black or brown people for that role – this will ignite an inner rage in black people (hello, we’ve been living with this kind of discrimination for years – God forbid, companies should try and rectify this every now and again). Or if you casually reach out to touch your colleague’s afro hair or fist bump another colleague after the board meeting. When you talk about how ‘good/cool/safe’ Brixton is these days as opposed to in the 90s (when I lived there), what we hear is ‘it’s OK now as there are lots of white people moving in’. When you say you wouldn’t date someone black and insist it’s just down to preference, yup, that’s also racism because of your conditioning. These are all examples of what we call micro-aggressions and they have the potential to be triggering. Black people will often be navigating numerous micro-aggressions daily, all while trying to manage their job, family life etc. It’s stressful.

Maybe you’re one of those people who love to talk about the ‘PC police’ or the importance of freedom of speech, when you hear black people pushing back on racist talk. Really not helpful. Often triggering. And if you’re thinking, well that all sounds like a big fuss about nothing, imagine experiencing this all the time from all angles. They’re all basically small (or sometimes not so small) ways for people to say you’re other, you’re less, you’re worth less.

But we are where we are. We need to use this historical moment to move this critical human rights movement forward. Much further forward. For white people, knowing your success, your wealth, your health even, comes at the expense of black people, well that can’t feel good.

What can we do next? How can we move forwards? I don’t have the answers. I’ve been thinking about this stuff for years and it’s exhausting, trying to figure out a way forwards. We need white allies. I know that.

Waiting for the racist systems to be dismantled is going to take a long-ass time. So in the meantime, one way we can help is to support and empower black people to become financially independent from white people.

The black community has a collective spending power of £300 billion (according to the Black Pound Report). Now imagine,  being able to invest a lot of that back into our own community, that would be a brilliant start.

Giles and I are pooling our knowledge of setting up and running Hey Saturday and looking at how we can share our learning in a meaningful, lasting way with young black people to help them become more entrepreneurial. If you know any charities or social enterprises that might benefit, please let us know.

Once the protests are over, we need to come together to rebuild a future based on equality of opportunities for all. I don’t have the answers, I’m learning right along with you.

Updated: Hey Saturday has signed the Anti-Racist Small Business Pledge. Read about our commitment here. If you run a small business, I urge you to do the same.

Some ways you could get involved in creating change include:

– signing petitions

– donating to organisations recommended by Black Lives Matter

– buying from and raising awareness of black-owned businesses

– reading books on race, learning about how racism came about and the systems employed to keep it in check globally

– following and supporting black platforms like gal-dem, Black Girl Fest, Check Your Privilege, Black Exchange, Blavity

– extending your empathy and validating the feelings of black and brown people

– confronting your own biases

– broadening your friendship circle with people from other races and be willing to open up, have conversations and listen, that way if you do say something that inadvertently triggers them, they’ll be able to tell you why

– having conversations at work about any lack of representation you may notice and how your company might address it

– standing up against injustice, discrimination and inaction

– keep reading

But for even better advice, Jeffrey Boakye, author of Black Listed, has pulled together a list of next steps, see below. And thank you for taking the time to read my rant. It means a lot, especially if you reached this far. I feel a lot better for getting that out.

 

 

Words and photos by Saskia.

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get back into online dating

I talk a lot on here about the importance of creating visually compelling dating photos. But creating emotionally compelling dating photos is important too.

The ideal dating profile is both visually and emotionally compelling.

But how can you create an emotionally compelling profile?

Well a good starting place is asking yourself this question. How do you want to make them feel when they look at your profile?

Do you want them to feel happy, optimistic, inspired, energetic, calm, playful, entertained, warm, loving, goofy, serious, welcome, awed.. or my personal favourites intrigued & delighted?

Wanna try? Write down a few words that sum up what you want to evoke in them when they look at your profile pictures.

Now you have a starting point from which to build on.

If you've written down words like happy, inspired, playful, warm - then keep these in mind, when creating your profile photos. Lead by example. You'll need to be channelling these emotions in the photos as they're being taken. Choose outfits, backdrops, colours and props that align with the vibe you're aiming to portray.

In your bio, think about the words you're using and how you're using them. Instead of telling people about you in a linear way, try telling a story. A genuine story that makes YOU feel something. Chance are, they will feel it too.

The minute you make someone feel something - something that they want to be feeling, you’ve created a meaningful connection.

And your dating profile, in essence, is a tool to help you build these connections.

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Oh hello! Just heard from LoveConnection.org that we’re at number 5 in the relationship blog charts in the US. 5 out of 100. Hot dang 🏆🔥✨ Feeling that. And a huge Hey Saturday shout out to @laurenpsyk for contributing such quality articles over the years helping make the blog such a success 👏🏽👏🏽

Since I decided to start my days from a place of appreciation these days, I’m definitely much happier for the rest of the day.

What are you appreciating today?

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When it comes to your dating life, what stories are you telling yourself?

All the good ones are already married, so it’s unlikely I’ll meet anyone worthwhile? • I’m too old for this sh*t? • I’m not where I want to be in life, so no one is going to be into me? • Dating is such a chore, I just want it to be over? • I have so much going on at work, I don’t have time to meet anyone?

It’s worth being mindful of the stories you create for yourself around your dating experiences. I know, from experience, that they can hold you back.

In my early days of online dating, I used to tell myself that because I’m a bit of an introvert who’d lived on my own for many years, I couldn’t imagine finding someone I could handle living with. Surely they’d drive me up the wall, just by being in my space... never mind all the change they’d bring into my routine!

After some years of this, I came to realise that this wasn’t helpful thinking. I seemed to be attracting guys who would do just that & feed into my negative bias. And then the more that happens, the more you want to believe your story, of course.

I was repeating this story many times to friends and family and it dawned on me that perhaps I was creating my own negative outcome. The more I spoke this ‘truth’, the more men came along who lived up to it.

I needed to test out a new approach. I decided i needed to change tactics and see if I could attract a better result.

I dropped that story and instead told myself, that when I met someone who was a good fit for me, our lives would mesh together beautifully.

I’ve lived with Giles now for 10 out of the 12 years we’ve been together and our lives mesh together beautifully. I’m pretty certain that I wouldn’t have attracted him into my life with my old, unhelpful narrative holding me back.

What dating narrative are you telling yourself?

#dowhatyoulove #youareenough #lovelife #youareworthit #creativevibes #goodvibesonly #startup #entrepreneur #brand #personalbranding #creative #Selflove #selfworth #loveyourselffirst #loveyourself #badass #loveyourlife #dating #single #photographer #datingphotos #mindsetreset #psychology #onlinedating
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What I love about helping our clients visually share their story in their profile pictures, is that it actively encourages them to step back from their busy lives for a hot moment and look more deeply into their values, their lifestyle, passions and vibe.

If you roll with it, it can become a perfect opportunity for reflection and growth as you take a moment to think about what you’d like your dating app photos and profile to say about you.

It’s a gift in a way.

An opportunity to get closer to figuring out who you are, who you want to be, what you want and, crucially, who you want to be with on this journey. This feels pretty cool to me. It’s not easy and I know there are clients who push back. But it can be the most rewarding thing you can do for yourself and for your love life ✨

#onlinedatingphotographer #singlelady #singlewomen #singlemen #singleandreadytomingle #singleandsearching #singlelifestyle #singleandhappy #modernlove #mindset #loveyourself #datingwithapurpose #datingadvice #datinglife #profilepictures #profilepic #profilepics #profilephoto #onlinedating #datingphototips #onlinedatingfail #happylife #happysingle #relationshipgoals #personalbrandingtips #datingapp #datingapps #datingadviceformen #datingadviceforwomen #datingprofilephotography
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The best dating app profile pics give people an insight into what it would be like to date you and be in a relationship with you.

If dating is the main thing happening in your life, though, you’re probably going to struggle to enjoy the dating process.

It becomes a much more enjoyable experience when you focus on creating a good life for yourself ... whilst making sure to set aside time and space for dating within that.

Plus, as soon as you start throwing yourself into creating a good life for yourself, you’ll find it easier to create eye-catching profile pictures that reflect who you are and what you’re about.

People are drawn to people who are passionate about things and engaged with the world around them, so you’ll notice a much better response to these kinds of profile pics 🙌🏽

#onlinedatingphotographer #singlelady #singlewomen #singlemen #singleandreadytomingle #singleandsearching #singlelifestyle #singleandhappy #modernlove #mindset #loveyourself #datingwithapurpose #datingadvice #datinglife #profilepictures #profilepic #profilepics #profilephoto #onlinedating #datingphototips #onlinedatingfail #happylife #happysingle #relationshipgoals #personalbrandingtips #datingapp #datingapps #datingadviceformen #datingadviceforwomen #datingprofilephotography
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✨ The Unexpected Benefit of Dating During a Pandemic ✨

Online dating is challenging at the best of times... but throw in a highly contagious, deadly virus, confusing government directives & national social distancing mandates & it’s no wonder people have been struggling since the start of the pandemic.

Because of this, over the last year, there have been shifts in how people approach dating... but could they, despite everything, actually be beneficial?

Trust has taken on a whole new significance. People are having to weigh their emotional and physical needs against (life and death) safety concerns.

With this in mind, it’s not a surprise that research is demonstrating that people are craving deeper connections with the people they’re meeting online.

For anyone who is over hook ups and looking for lasting relationships, this is good news.

People are asking themselves questions like ‘is this someone I could handle another lockdown with?’.

Many people are being more intentional about who they spend time with. And lockdown has taken away the noise and craziness of regular life, opening up space to get to know the people we’re dating in a different way. People are focusing on getting to know them emotionally and mentally before connecting physically.

Many are shifting into slow dating, it seems, and research is suggesting this may last long after lockdown has ended.

*this is an excerpt of a blog post I’m writing about the unexpected benefits of dating during a pandemic. I’ll share the link when it’s done, if you’re interested 👀

#onlinedatingphotographer #singlelady #singlewomen #singlemen #singleandreadytomingle #singleandsearching #singlelifestyle #singleandhappy #modernlove #mindset #loveyourself #datingwithapurpose #datingadvice #datinglife #profilepictures #profilepic #profilepics #profilephoto #onlinedating #datingphototips #onlinedatingfail #happylife #happysingle #relationshipgoals #personalbrandingtips #datingapp #datingapps #datingadviceformen #datingadviceforwomen #datingprofilephotography
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I don’t know who needs to hear this but we’re gonna be back in action soon in the UK, doing what we do & love ⚡️⚡️⚡️

Very excited for this.

#onlinedatingphotographer #singlelady #singlewomen #singlemen #singleandreadytomingle #singleandsearching #singlelifestyle #singleandhappy #modernlove #mindset #loveyourself #datingwithapurpose #datingadvice #datinglife #profilepictures #profilepic #profilepics #profilephoto #onlinedating #datingphototips #onlinedatingfail #happylife #happysingle #relationshipgoals #personalbrandingtips #datingapp #datingapps #datingadviceformen #datingadviceforwomen #datingprofilephotography
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Choose profile pics that tell people what it would be like to date you. What it would be like to be in a relationship with you. This will help you attract people who resonate more with your vibe.

Show them who you are, what you love, where you like to hang out, what you love to do.

Showing up authentically in your photos will help secure more and better quality dates 🙌🏽.

#onlinedatingphotographer #singlelady #singlewomen #singlemen #singleandreadytomingle #singleandsearching #singlelifestyle #singleandhappy #modernlove #mindset #loveyourself #datingwithapurpose #datingadvice #datinglife #profilepictures #profilepic #profilepics #profilephoto #onlinedating #datingphototips #onlinedatingfail #happylife #happysingle #relationshipgoals #personalbrandingtips #datingapp #datingapps #datingadviceformen #datingadviceforwomen #datingprofilephotography
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Wait what? If you’re not doing this already, here’s a super simple way to increase the attention you’re attracting online.... by 27% according to @tinder.

As an experiment this week, swap out your leading photo if it doesn’t clearly show all of your face. Swap out pictures of your face that are in profile, half hidden in shadow or by sunglasses, anything like that.

Choose, instead, a good quality, well-lit, smiling close-up of your face and shoulders.

Make sure your smile or laugh is a natural one - you’ll know by checking to make sure your eyes are engaged in the smile too.

They’ll be the tell-tell crinkling of your upper cheeks. This is important to check as people are subconsciously drawn to genuine smiles and put off by fake ones.

And make sure your eyes are looking at the camera. It’s more engaging. Your eyes are the most important part of the photo - it where people look first and subconsciously decide whether you’re trustworthy or not.

OK, let me know how you get on. Oh yes and don’t forget to include bright red somewhere in the shot, if you can, to really maximise the attention you’re attracting to your profile.

#tinder #singlelady #singlewomen #singlemen #singleandreadytomingle #singleandsearching #singlelifestyle #singleandhappy #modernlove #mindset #loveyourself #datingwithapurpose #datingadvice #datinglife #profilepictures #profilepic #profilepics #profilephoto #onlinedating #datingphototips #onlinedatingfail #happylife #happysingle #relationshipgoals #personalbrandingtips #datingapp #datingapps #datingadviceformen #datingadviceforwomen #datingprofilephotography
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Whether you’re aware or not, your clothes are telling people a powerful story about you.

They can reveal things like what mood you’re in, what kind of lifestyle you lead, what you’re into, how much money you might earn and even how you feel about yourself.

Wow, ok. Super revealing. (And also I’m really glad no one has been able to see what I’ve been wearing the last month or so 🙈).

But, that said, there’s evidence to suggest you don’t have to dress how you feel... but how you want to feel. Brilliant!

This means, when you’re heading out for your dating photoshoot and on dates, you can choose clothes with intention. Ones that make you feel sexy, confident, in control, feminine, cool, flirty, formal, informal, comfortable or whatever you want to say about you. Keep it authentic though. The clothes need to feel right, don’t force it.

I love knowing that simply by tweaking your outfit, you can improve your whole mood and uplift your confidence levels 🔥🔥

#pyschologyofclothing #clothing #fashion
#singlelifeproblems #singlelady #singlewomen #singleandsearching #singlelifestyle #singleandhappy #modernlove #mindset #loveyourself #datingwithapurpose #datingadvice #datinglife #profilepictures #profilepic #profilepics #profilephoto #onlinedating #happylife #happysingle #relationshipgoals #personalbrandingtips #datingapp #datingapps #datingadviceformen #datingadviceforwomen #datingprofilephotography
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It’s party time at Hey Saturday HQ 🌿

We have just started a partnership with @onetreeplanted. For every Hey Saturday photoshoot we sell, a tree is planted in Ethiopia.

I’ve finally woken up and realised you can’t build a just and equitable society on a planet that’s been destabilised by human activity.

The fights against climate change and racial injustice are deeply intertwined as marginalised communities are disproportionately impacted by it.

Recently, I’ve fallen in love with trees through my forest bathing practice and they are pretty dang magical at helping to save our planet.

The tree planting project in Ethiopia links environmental restoration with income generation, providing the local community with the knowledge and tools to conserve their land, protect their water supply and create a sustainable, diverse economy for future generations 🙌🏽

*Huge thank you to David Attenborough whose powerful documentary, Our Planet, needs to be seen by everyone. It’s a huge fuck-off wake up call. We’re killing off the planet and marginalised communities are already suffering for it.

#tree_magic #trees #onetreeplanted #planetearth #savetheplanet #savetheearth #racism #equality #equalrights #lifeonearth #forest #forestbathingtherapy #ethiopia #planetearth #healthyliving
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💋9 indulgent ways to be your own dang Valentine💋

If you’re single today and feeling it, maybe it’s time to get indulgent and celebrate yourself and your most important relationship ever. If you can be someone who makes YOU happy, that’s literally the most important thing.

Plus, being single is cool af and always worth celebrating when you can. Here are 9 indulgent ways you might celebrate yourself today... give me a shout if you have others 🙌🏽

❤️ Dress up
❤️ Fill your day with positive affirmations spoken out loud to the mirror and then repeated in your head like a background mantra (sounds woo woo, but once you get over that, this is pure awesomeness)
❤️ Go back to bed and indulge in some sweet, sweet self-loving
❤️ Treat yourself to something a bit special (buy yourself a nice present online, something you’ve had your eye on maybe)
❤️ Pick up some flowers for yourself - you’re gonna be home a lot to enjoy them this week
❤️ Take a social media break & focus on doing exactly what you fancy doing
❤️ Take the focus off yourself for a while. Phone your gran, write a letter to an old friend, make a donation to a charity, buy from a black and /or LGBTQ+ owned business or something like that. (Also do that last one whenever you can). Doing something nice for someone else is always a guarantee to make you feel good
❤️ Cook, bake or make exactly what you fancy eating right now, however indulgent
❤️ And my personal favourite- dig out your bike, skateboard, rollerblades or whatever you have lying around that you loved doing as a kid outdoors - head out to the park and celebrate that kid inside, they need letting out to play now and again and today seems like a great day for that...

#singlelifeproblems #singlelady #singlewomen #singlemen #singleandreadytomingle #singleandsearching #singlelifestyle #singleandhappy #modernlove #mindset #loveyourself #datingwithapurpose #datingadvice #datinglife #profilepictures #profilepic #profilepics #profilephoto #onlinedating #onlinedatingsucks #onlinedatingfail #happylife #happysingle #relationshipgoals #personalbrandingtips #datingapp #datingapps #datingadviceformen #valentines
#galentines
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