Dating Apps: From Maddening to Magic

Part Three: Maximise High Quality Matches While Staying Sane

Today, we’re exploring how to maximise high quality matches, while staying as sane as possible. In part two of this short series, Dating Apps: The Reframe That’s a Game-Changer, I outline more actionable steps we can take to answer the question:

How can we transform our dating app experiences from maddening to magic?

If you haven’t read the first two parts of this series yet, they are worth a read. That said, part three is absolutely critical, so make sure you head back here to make the most of this series.

Creating your own set of dating app boundaries

Today I want to focus on creating a robust set of boundaries for yourself to help you manage your:

time

behaviour

and emotions

while you’re on the apps. These boundaries will vary slightly from person to person, but ultimately they’re about supporting you to feel more sane and, hopefully, more emotionally safe while you’re on these apps.

I think the real reason why people experience dating app fatigue and even burnout is because they’re not managing these three areas while on the apps.

Developing simple but powerful boundaries is how you stay sane.

High Quality Matches on dating apps

Suggested boundaries (adjust as necessary)

View the whole experience as an experiment

There is a real danger of taking everything a bit too seriously and this leads straight to maddening experiences. We want magic, remember, not maddening. View it through a more playful lens, with having fun as one of your main goals. You have the power to reframe it however you want, remember.

Treat app usage like admin

Just as you would any other kind of admin, limit your time spent swiping and checking and writing messages. Set yourself a certain amount of time a day for this and stick to it. This prevents decision fatigue.

Focus on a single platform at a time

Rather than spreading yourself too thin across a number of apps, experiment with one at a time.

Move offline quickly

You can not gauge how well you get on with someone or what they’re truly like until you meet them in the flesh. There’s no point wasting time and energy, life is too short and your sanity is at stake. A date, even a short one, will give you so much more information that weeks or even months of chatting online will ever reveal. This follows nicely into my next boundary.

Keep the first date fairly short and simple

A simple meet up over a quick drink for an hour or so is plenty to know if there is a connection worth pursuing. And, of course, if it’s going really well and there’s a great connection, you can always extend the date and stay out longer. But it gives you a get out clause if it’s not going well.

Avoid investing emotional energy early on

I became an expert at this. People will come and go in your messages, people will come and go on first dates. That’s all good. We’re not meant for everyone. In fact, if you’re like me, you’re pretty fussy about who you want to spend your life with, so it makes sense that there are going to be lots of people who don’t stick around. And that’s OK. And this leads nicely onto my next boundary…

Don’t take things personally

Theses people don’t really know you, so any perceived rejection usually isn’t even about you. People have all kinds of things going on in their lives that makes dating them in this moment, really tricky. I’ve dated people who were in the midst of losing a parent, losing a job, moving elsewhere, getting over a divorce or just having some kind of crisis. Needless to say, things didn’t work out. That said, when the relationship is right, you’ll know, because these things won’t break you up.

Keep your standards high

Never forget your worth. Be comfortable blocking or unmatching disrespectful, inactive or vague profiles without over-investing emotional energy.

I created all these boundaries for myself after a couple of years of dating and really started to enjoy the whole process. That then helped lead me to love ultimately.

I’d love to know if you adopt any or all of these and how you get on. Keep me posted.